Beach Ponies
by DiscordantPrincess
Summary: Pretty much what the title says. The ponies go to the beach. One-shot. Rated for some getting crap past the radar.


**Princess Luna: WELCOME, FANFICTION READERS! WE WELCOME THEE TO ANOTHER STORY WRITTEN BY THE ONE KNOWN AS DISCORDANTPRINCESS!**

**Umm...thank you, Luna, but maybe next time we could try it with a little LESS volume?**

**Luna: WE APOLO-I mean, I apologize. **

**Aww, it's OK. (huggles) So yeah, I've got another "Ratti in Ponyville" one-shot for y'all. Dedicated to FairyTales And Pixie Dust, who gave me the idea, Cellenia, and ShiningShadow1965. Enjoy!**

It was a sunny morning in Equestria. On the road from Ponyville to San Dipinto, two cars were driving to go to the beach. The first car was nice and quiet for the most part. The second car, however…

"Fifty-eight glasses of cider on the wall, fifty-eight glasses of cideeeer!"

A pink earth pony with a curly pink mane and tail, light blue eyes and a cutie mark of three balloons was bouncing up and down and singing at the top of her lungs. Listening to her were Rainbow Dash, a light blue pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail, magenta eyes and a cutie mark of a cloud and tri-colored lightning bolt, who shoved a pair of earplugs in her ears; Rarity, a white unicorn with a perfectly coiffed purple mane and tail, blue eyes and a cutie mark of diamonds, who just pouted; and the driver, Padraic Ratigan, a gray earth pony with a neatly trimmed black mane and tail, gold eyes and a cutie mark of a pi symbol, who looked ready to strangle somepony.

"You just take one down and pass it around, fifty-seven glasses of cider on the waaaaaall!"

"Pinkie Pie, would you kindly sit down and shut UP!" Ratigan yelled at the pink pony. Pinkie frowned sadly for a second, then continued. "Fifty-seven glasses of cider on the wall, fifty-seven glasses of cideeeeeeeeeer!" Ratigan groaned and hit his head against the steering wheel a few times.

"It was a good try, Padraic darling," Rarity told her coltfriend.

* * *

After about twenty-six more glasses of cider were taken off the wall, they finally made it to the beach. They parked next to the other car, where Twilight Sparkle, a purple unicorn with a dark blue mane and tail with pink and purple streaks, purple eyes and a cutie mark of magic sparkles greeted them. "Hey, guys!" Then, she noticed Ratigan shaking, his eyes bloodshot, his ears flattened against his head. "You OK, Padraic? You look a little tense."

"You…are taking…Pinkie Pie…on the way back," Ratigan replied through clenched teeth.

Rarity started offloading her many things from the trunk of the car. "Geez, Rarity, you sure you packed enough stuff?" Rainbow laughed. "I think you forgot a winter parka."

"Mock me if you want, Rainbow Dash, but I am prepared for anything the beach can throw at us," Rarity replied. She looked at the pile of stuff. "Hmm, I do suppose I could use a bit of help carrying my things."

* * *

The ponies walked from the parking lot to the beach. "Oh my, it's so beautiful," Fluttershy, a yellow pegasus with a long pink mane and tail, blue-green eyes and a cutie mark of three pink-winged butterflies commented.

Rarity nodded as she used her unicorn telekinesis to carry a small hoofbag. Meanwhile, Ratigan was carrying the rest of her things on his back, groaning all the way.

Applejack, an orange earth pony with a yellow mane and tail tied with red bands, green eyes, freckles, a cutie mark of three red apples and a cowgirl hat, glared at Rarity. "Real nice. Usin' your coltfriend as a pack animal."

"Oh come now, Applejack, Padraic doesn't mind helping me, do you, Paddy Waddy?"

Ratigan forced a grin. "Of course not, Rarity dear," he replied, his voice strained. He then grimaced. "Oh Celestia, I think I'm losing feeling in my legs."

Twilight frowned. "OK, I think we can set up here."

"Oh thank goodness," Ratigan groaned. He dropped Rarity's things onto the sand, then fell over himself.

"Careful, Padraic! Some of my best things are in these bags!" Rarity scolded her coltfriend, who looked ready to kill somepony again. Pinkie and Fluttershy helped him back up.

Twilight used her magic to set up the beach site. "OK, we're all set here. Everypony go have fun now!"

"Sweet!" Rainbow replied. "Volleyball court, here I come!" She flew off.

"Wait for ME, Dashie!" Pinkie called, running after her.

"I'm going to go collect sea shells," Fluttershy spoke up. "I mean, if it's all right with everypony."

"I'll come with you," Twilight told her. "I think we can find some interesting specimens." They walked off together.

Rarity lay on a pink beach blanket, working on a tan. "Oh Padraic darling, would you be a lamb and get me a drink from the concession stand please?"

"Certainly, my rare gem," Ratigan replied. He trotted off, followed by Applejack. "I don't get it, Paddy, you let 'er treat ya like a U-Haul and now you're goin' to get 'er a drink. Why?"

Ratigan shrugged. "No relationship is perfect, my dear Applejack. Besides, the BENEFITS outweigh the few times of discomfort GREATLY." He continued walking, leaving Applejack behind.

"Benefits? What benefits?" the country pony asked. Then, it dawned on her. "OHHHHHHH." She made a face. "I think I need to go scrub my brain now."

* * *

"GAME POINT!" Rainbow called out as she hit the volleyball over the net. It landed right in front of the competitor, who wasn't fast enough to catch it. "I win, AGAIN!" The challenger walked away sadly. "Who's next to get their flank handed to them?"

"Ooh, ooh, me, me, mememememememe!" Pinkie offered, bouncing up and down. "I wanna be next to get my flank handed to me!"

Rainbow snorted. "OK, Pinks, if you're sure you can handle losing." She tossed the pink pony the ball. "I'll ever let you serve first."

"Okey dokey Loki!" Pinkie hit the volleyball over the net. Rainbow flew to get it…only to miss it. "Yay! I got a point!"

Rainbow frowned. "Yeah, but that's the ONLY point you're getting."

* * *

"Ooh, look at this one, Fluttershy!" Twilight told her pegasus friend as she used her telekinesis to lift a shell. "I think it's a beaded periwinkle!"

"Oh, it's so lovely, Twilight," Fluttershy noted. She was petting a sea gull that had flown near them.

Twilight smiled as she put her shell in her bucket. "Wow, I'm finding so many shells today! Hopefully I can identify them all with my Guide to Seashells book back at the library."

* * *

Rarity turned over onto her back to get an even tan, sipping her diet cola. Ratigan sat next to her, reading a book. Applejack was bodysurfing. Just then, a group of young stallions came up to Rarity. Their leader, a pale red pegasus with a burgundy mane and tail, charcoal gray eyes and a cutie mark of a flame, grinned sleazily. "Hey, babe. Wanna go for a stroll with me?"

"No thank you, I am taken," Rarity rebuffed.

"Aw, c'mon, babe, y'know you wanna," the pegasus urged her.

"No, I'm certain that I do not."

"C'mon…"

Ratigan slammed his book shut and set it down. "Excuse me, but the lady SAID that she doesn't want to go with you." He got into the pegasus' face. "Or are you hard of hearing as well as rude and obnoxious?"

"You gonna let that nerd talk to you like that, Hotblood?" one of the pegasus' friends asked.

Hotblood glared at the gray pony. "Hey, I may be rude and obnoxious, but…but at least I don't read."

"Ooh, be careful you don't cut somepony with that sharp comeback," Ratigan replied snarkily. "Now you and your friends have five seconds to clear out of here, because you are upsetting me…and Miss Rarity here knows what happens when somepony upsets me."

Hotblood smirked. "Oh yeah? And what's THAT, geek?"

* * *

Hotblood found out a few seconds later when he was lying on the ground with a black eye and a bloody nose. A tooth had been knocked out, and his left wing was bent the other way. The pegasus' friends all stared dumbfounded at their fallen leader, then at Ratigan, who was smoothing out his mane after the violent thrashing he had just served.

"Does anypony ELSE want a turn?" Ratigan asked.

"LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!" Hotblood screamed. He ran off, followed quickly by his friends. Ratigan grinned. "I thought not."

"My hero," Rarity sighed, cuddling up next to him.

Applejack came back from bodysurfing. "Hey, I saw that fight. Way to go, Paddy! You da stallion!" She playfully punched the gray pony on the shoulder.

Just then, Pinkie and Rainbow came back from playing volleyball. Pinkie was bouncing happily, and Rainbow was walking slowly behind her. "Hi, guys!" Pinkie greeted them.

"Hello, Pinkie, you look especially happy right now," Ratigan noted.

Pinkie giggled. "I sure am!"

Applejack noticed the look of pure shock frozen onto Rainbow's face. "You OK there, Dashie? Ya look surprised."

"She's just upset because I kicked her flank in volleyball," Pinkie replied.

"She…she moves like a cheetah," Rainbow managed to say. "It…it's IMPOSSIBLE! Oh Celestia, it's the Sonic Mathboom all over again!" Pinkie and Ratigan exchanged sly smiles and brohoofs.

* * *

Shortly afterward, Twilight and Fluttershy returned, carrying buckets of seashells. "Hi, everypony!" Twilight spoke up. "Having fun?" Everypony except for Rainbow, who was stuck in a state of shock, responded that they were. "Great!" Twilight took out a picnic basket. "Let's have lunch, shall we?"

"Oh goodie, I'm STARVED!" Pinkie replied.

Everypony gathered for lunch, even Rainbow, who broke out of her shock long enough to eat. "I think today's been a pretty good day, huh, guys?" Twilight asked. They all agreed.

"I say next weekend, we go to Las Pegasus!" Rainbow suggested.

"WOO! PEGASUS, BABY!" Pinkie cheered. With that, she started singing Elvis Palomino's hit song "Viva Las Pegasus" at the top of her lungs, making her friends all groan.

**Beach day episode FTW! WOOT!**

**I apologize for the blatant Ratigan abuse in the first part of the chapter...rest assured that I only tease because I love him. And no, I'm not trying to imply that he's a pushover for Rarity or that Rarity is a bitch who takes advantage of him, they just have their relationship fluctuations like everyone else...plus the "benefits". Yeah, these two ain't virgins, people. Sorry. **

**I don't know about you guys, but my favorite part to write was the showdown between that Hotblood pig and Ratigan...and of course our Ratti came up on top, because he's a Genius Bruiser all the way. If you want a good idea of what Hotblood is like, just think Gaston as a pegasus. (shudders) Of course Dashie's mind being blown by Pinkie Pie's volleyball prowess was pretty fun, too...oh Pinkie, you shall never cease to amaze us, shall you? **

**And now I kinda want to write a story about them going to Las Pegasus...should I?**

**Hope you guys enjoyed this story!**

**All my best, DiscordantPrincess. **


End file.
